Couples Therapy for Mismatched & Low Desire
Things I hear my clients say…..
"I don't want to be in a sexless partnership"
"I feel so much pressure to have sex that it makes me not want it at all"
"There's so much tension built around sex that we're not even sure how to start reconnecting."
"I've been rejected so many times that I've just given up. It's up to my partner to fix our sexual relationship now."
*These are generalized statements and not direct quotes from any clients.
One of the most common (and complicated) issues I see in relationships is when one partner wants to have more sex than their partner.
The fact is that no two people are perfectly matched in their desire. There will always be a partner with higher desire and a partner with lower desire.
The problem is that, over time, people can get stuck in their role in a relationship. In some cases, one partner is so tired of feeling rejected that they stop initiating sex completely, leaving it to the other partner to shoulder the burden. In other cases, one partner feels so much pressure to have sex that they are unable to enjoy the experience and start to avoid it entirely.
What may start as a small gap in desire becomes an increasingly widening chasm where two people are polarized into roles that neither of them want. Even things that might have led to sex in the past can erode - couples stop flirting, start going to bed at different times, the hugs get shorter and the affection wanes. Sex can start to become a force for distance, conflict and hurt rather than love and connection.
Sex therapy can help couples experiencing desire discrepancy to start fresh, get clear on their sexual needs and agreements, learn better ways of initiating sex, define and communicate boundaries and practice healthier ways of handling when things don't go as planned.
By making these changes, partners can start to step out of their unwanted roles and show up as their authentic sexual selves without the pressure or expectation, often leading to better sex and fewer misunderstandings.
If you're experiencing desire discrepancy in your relationship and you're ready to get your sexual relationship back, I invite you to book a free consultation with me today.
Frequently asked questions.
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Mismatched desire is probably the single most common issue I see in couples sex therapy. Roles in relationships can often become polarized, with one person taking the lead over finances, social calendars, cooking or parenting. Sex is no exception, but it can't be delegated in the same way without a lot of hurt and misunderstanding.
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Desire discrepancy can absolutely be addressed and improved in relationships. The fact is that there will always be a "higher desire" and "lower desire" partner in any couple, but counseling can help protect you from future disconnection and hurt while finding a healthier more satisfying balance with sex.
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There will always be a "higher desire" and "lower desire" partner in any couple, but when the discrepancy is greater, there can be a higher need for communication and care. More or less sex does not have to mean any one person does not get their needs met and sex therapy can help you find a balance where no one needs to sacrifice their core needs.
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It most certainly can! Couples therapy can help you evaluate what level of intimacy you want as a couple and what forms it could take. That may mean helping you to rekindle your sexual relationship or helping you envision a life together with other forms of intimacy.