Sex Therapy for Open Relationships and Consensual Non-Monogamy
Things I hear my clients say…..
"We fight all the time and sometimes I'm not even sure what we're fighting about."
"I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. The smallest thing can set it off."
"When we argue, it can take us days or weeks just to be able to talk again"
"I hate when I yell, but I just get so angry I don't know what else to do"
*These are generalized statements and not direct quotes from any clients.
Conflict is hard for all couples. To make matters worse, few of us were ever taught how to engage in conflict or express anger in healthy and loving ways.
In fact, it's much more common that we were shown the opposite by our families of origin.
The result is that patterns we learned when we were younger become the template by which we interact with the people closest and most important to us as adults. Unfortunately, not all of these patterns are helpful to us or our partners, and can even cause misunderstandings, disconnection, and even harm.
Very often, these destructive patterns can look like blame, judgment, stonewalling, defensiveness, or contempt. When statements like "you did " or " isn't my fault" get made, it is very difficult not to respond with an equally unhelpful statement challenging the validity of what our partners are saying rather than caring for the emotion underneath the statement.
Couples in my office learn that their experiences are always valid and that questions of right and wrong are often a distraction from what we are really asking each other for: to be seen and validated for our experience and to be attuned emotionally with our partner. So often, when we get loud and mean, what we are really saying is "I want to be important to you so that I won't have to lose you".
Couples therapy can help you identify the ways each of you are contributing to unhelpful cycles of communication in your conflict so that you can change the script and express what you need without ever losing connection. Therapy can teach you how to allow and even invite conflict into your relationship so that you can use it as a force for connection and understanding rather than resentment and isolation.
If you're ready to break the cycles of conflict in your relationship, I invite you to book a free consultation with me today.
Frequently asked questions.
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Fighting is incredibly common and can be done in ways that are respectful and constructive or hurtful and destructive. Couples counseling can help you learn the difference and begin striving to connect rather than fighting to win.
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Yes, skillful couples therapy can help even the most high-conflict couples learn to slow down, communicate more clearly and respectfully and truly listen to what their partner is trying to say.
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Shutting down is a very common reaction in intense conflict - often referred to as the "freeze response". This is often an indicator of feelings of overwhelm that have accumulated over a long period of time. Couples therapy can help you interrupt cycles of overwhelm and regulate in a way that helps you to communicate, even when things feel intense, and take space when things get overwhelming.
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In my experience, nothing is equal in relationships, including motivation. It can, however, be helpful if both people are similarly committed to the process of therapy to learn how to communicate more effectively.